Fat Mama Slim

Ok “slim” is an exaggeration but I have lost a few kg’s in the last few weeks, so that’s cause for celebration!…  It seems that since becoming a single mum my weight has slowly been creeping up and here is what I have learnt..

 

  1. What you put in your mouth, can actually cause you to put on weight…who knew?!
     
  2. Potato crisps should not be counted as one of your vegetable food groups for the day.
     
  3. Photographs don’t put Kg’s onto your face and body, only television does.
     
  4. If your 6 year old daughter knowingly says “you won’t fit into that” when you are struggling to put on your jeans, then you are in trouble.
     
  5. When several members of your family start sending you clothing items sized “large” and don’t even live in the same country as you, then you’re more widespread then you think!

 

So here is my solution…I’m going to make an effort to look at what I’m about to eat, place it in my mouth rather then shove it and chew rather then swallow straight down.  If that fails then I’m going to live my life like Oprah and reveal a “new” body at least once every two years!

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April’s Fool

It appears that I have become the fool of April and on more days then just the 1st….

1) After dutifully taking the mini Dyson up to the dog park, I returned to the car but was missing the key.  After a futile search in the darkness (thanks daylight savings!) panic began to rise, as I realised that my handbag and purse were also in the car.  Luckily my house key and mobile were still with me.  So I SOS’d a friend and borrowed their car to return home and get the spare.

Early the next day the search resumed.  Nothing was found, except the realisation that Mini Dyson is clearly a Labrador retriever in name only.  I relunctantly handed over $300 for a new key and spare to be re-programmed.  You can imagine my delight then when the very next day someone found the missing key.

2) My body has a pre-programmed morning routine.  However it recently suffered a malfunction. As I offered Mr Mac his medication, I glanced at my hand in time to recognise that the coloured pill was in fact mine.  Rather then risk him taking it, I quickly grabbed it and popped it into my mouth.  Then it dawned on me.  If I was about to give him mine, then I had already taken his.

The Dr told me not to panic but to have an easy day (not possible with both off on school holidays).  I was informed that I might experience headaches, nausea and need to sleep.  Nothing unusual there then.  Only concern was if I felt any heart palpitations, then I would need to go to hospital.  Now my heart began palpitating!  A few calls later and I’d arranged for the children to got to vacation care and for my kind neighbour to take them.  All I could do was rest and sleep it off.

I can hear my mother now…”see every cloud has a silver lining!”.  Now I am back to my  5M optimum state (More Mindful Manual Mother Mode).

Bridget Jones of Singledom

I recently found myself surrounded by an entire table of those with +1 in their lives.  I quickly realised I’m a dying breed.  I am now officially the Bridget Jones of Singledom with more then just “carry on”.  Dating later in life is hard, with children harder still, but with the introduction of online to the mix, it has become an extreme sport.  And I always hated sport.

Someone once told me, online dating is like interviewing for a job that you don’t know if you actually want.  So let me share some of the lessons I’ve learnt along the way….

  1. Ten is the common denominator for online dating.  People turn up to a date 10 years older, 10kg heavier or 10 inches shorter. Maybe they hoped I would be incredibly stupid and not notice? Essentially its a form of false advertising and I should be able to sue.
  2. When someone lists themselves as “separated” they mean it quite literally.  Either they have just separated five minutes ago, or there is only a wall standing between them and their ex, as they are still living together.
  3. When someone lists their preferred age range for a partner as “18-120 years” they really mean, “I’m just looking for a pulse”.
  4. Surely not every male on this planet can like the film Shawshank Redemption, drink red wine and enjoy long walks?  Apparently in the online world they do.
  5. For those of you that upload a photo of yourself without your shirt on or standing by your car, please note….I’m not buying you, I’m just trying to date you.

So singledom shall hence forth be known as the Kingdom of Singles and I shall reign supreme.  That is, until I fall in love with the short, fat, shirtless old man that I met online and ride off into the sunset in his big shiny car.

Bridesmaid of Interviews

I’m so close, yet…so not the chosen candidate.  The last few weeks have resulted in some interesting conversations with recruiters following recent interviews…

  1. Recruiter: “I’m afraid the interview tomorrow is cancelled. It’s just been announced that the CEO has been sacked for misconduct”.
    I’m thinking:  “Could they not have sacked him in the morning as I’ve just spent 5 solid hours preparing for the second interview with him?”
  2. Recruiter: “They really liked you but the other candidate had more homeless experience then you”.
    I’m thinking: “If I don’t get a job soon the kids and I will become the poster family for the homeless”.
  3. Recruiter:  “There is good news and bad news.  They really like you for the role and they don’t want to interview anyone else, but there now is a recruitment freeze”
    I’m thinking: “This feels a bit like hearing he loves you but he is married and can’t leave his wife and kids”.
  4. So now I’m thinking: It’s back to the storyboard (or maybe I need to actually remake the board before the story can be placed on it?)  I guess if all else fails, at least I can make one of those “how to interview” corporate videos.

Ageing gracefully

Two days into a new age bracket and I’ve already been confronted by some uncomfortable truths…

1) Asking Master Mac if I looked a year older, he didn’t miss a beat telling me “No! you look 200 years younger”.  Of course I initially took this as a complement, until it hit me that it means he must think I’m about 300 years old!   Previous experience should have prepared me… I had been fresh out of the shower, when confronted by the then 4 year old Master Mac, stating “You look like a fish!”. Nervously I asked why and he confidently pointed at my forehead explaining  “Because you have gills”.  If he had spotted my wrinkles only a few years ago what was I expecting this year?

2) With a heavy heart (and as it turns out a heavy frame) I calculated that 20 years after my 21st, I am probably 20kg heavier.  A great return on investment if I were shares.  However I would like to think of it as providing a great “Value add” and more to love.

3) It appears I’m not the only one hearing life’s clock ticking…When seeing Miss Lipstick admire me filing at my desk, I smugly asked whether she wanted to be organised like mummy one day.  It appears she had other motives on her mind as she casually asked “Can I have your desk when you die?”…. clearly she doesn’t seem to think that she has too long to wait!

4) Is it shameful to say that I giggled like a school girl today when a 70 year old man told me that I looked too young to have children?  Feeling bolstered by the complement I continued on my walk with our puppy MD.  Only moments later, I swelled with pride as I heard a wolf whistle in my direction.  A buff and shirtless guy skated into view.  Naturally my first thoughts were that I really must remember to wear this outfit again.  Then I realised he was actually whistling at MD…Oh dear maybe I misheard and my 70 year had actually been talking to MD too?

And it begins….

I may be time poor but I have never been short of words (ask my friends and family!).   I have always been a fan of lists and thought that it might provide the right framework to record anecdotes from my life in a timely way.  What better time to start then today…the +1 to my forty years on this planet.  So let’s just start with a few things that I am grateful for:

1) My two beautiful children Master Mac (8 yrs.) and Miss Lipstick (6 yrs.).  Master Mac has Aspergers (high functioning Autism) and so he processes information differently – a bit like  a Mac operating system vs. windows operating system.  He is wonderful, quirky and humorous and provides a whole new perspective on life.  Miss Lipstick would, given half the chance, love to wear full make up 24/7.  She is fabulously creative, dramatic and adept at changing outfits five times a day.  Both are full of life and continually surprise me.

2) The mini Dyson (MD), a nearly 6 month old chocolate labrador.  To date she has bitten a frog, swallowed both a baby bird and the chain of my daughters necklace (but thankfully not on the same day!).

3) I have survived being a single parent for the same amount of time as I was in a relationship with their dad. The jury is out on which part was easier.

4) My friends who, with my family living in different countries, continue to be a great support network.  They say people come into your life for a reason, a season or a life time.  I would hope that most of my friends are part of the latter.  Too bad if they don’t think so, as it won’t stop me from hanging around them.

5) Finally, for furthering my studies.  I’ve just finished an introductory graphic design course and now am undertaking a part time writing course.  I love learning new things and am a veteran of the short courses (Mosaics, card making, Thai Seafood, Reflexology, natural therapies and Japanese paper craft to name a few..)